How To Separate Yourself From Your Fertility Struggle

I just wanted to talk today a little bit about how you can stop yourself from letting your fertility struggle become your identity. So, this is a big thing that was going on for me when I was struggling to have a baby. It consume everything I did, no matter what I did it was always there, just in the back of my mind, even if I was going through a relatively good phase.

I don’t really know if I went through many good phases, to be honest I think in between the sadness, I was just numb, I don’t think I was ever really happy for a very long period of time, across those years, unfortunately.

But, I remember at one point feeling that I had lost the person that I was. I found myself when friends would be talking about family, it hurt so much that I had to learn to numb it. So, Rene Brown who is one of my idols really, she says that when we numb the bad feelings we also numb the good and that is so true.

I found myself just being “meh” about everything and I’ve always been a person who is – I’m quite a fun-loving person, I’m a deep thinker and I love a bit of fun, I am really social and outgoing and I began to retreat into myself.

I began to avoid social occasions, I started to dread any babies being born or any christenings that might be coming up, or communions or anything that was celebrating this child’s progression. Even got the point, I used to just to stay off social media when kids are going back to school because it was just heartbreaking.

Gratitude Journal

So my point here is to kind of just appeal to you to remember the person you are through this, remember what it is that makes you happy, and the great way to do this is to have a little gratitude journal – a little notebook by your bed or wherever you spend a lot of your time, maybe at the car when you are out and about.

It is so important to remind ourselves of the great things that we have in our lives. But when you are going through a struggle to have a baby, it’s really really hard to think about those things, so write them down, it’s a good practice to get in to to write down maybe 5 things that make you feel happy and grateful everyday.

You may have to really search for them some days, but it’s worth it. Because you suddenly start to think okay, my whole life doesn’t have to revolve around this. And I’m painfully aware when you are going through fertility treatment or you experience grief along your fertility journey. I know it is really hard to be grateful for anything, i really know it is.

But I did find this little techniques helped a lot. So, writing down what you are grateful for, also just writing down your feelings, writing down what the hell I feel like today, if you are feeling absolutely lousy, write it down. If you are feeling angry, write it down. Scribble across that page and get it out of your head, because when it is in your head, it is just causing damage in there.

And you know, some of you will be aware of the damage that stress and anxiety does to your fertility. It really impacts it in so many different ways, but the main way is that when we are stressed we release lots of cortisol.

And cortisol is a hormone that is extremely anti-reproduction, we need to be releasing the good hormones, the endorphins so that we can actually be in the state that is conducive to conception. But you know, it’s not that easy, it really isn’t that easy. I know all this myself, because I worked with many couples as a hypnotherapist in helping them before I went through my own struggles, I really helped them to get into a place of emotional freedom.

But when I went through it myself, I found it hard, really really hard. So, I totally get it, but you’ve got to make an active choice, you’ve got to decide that you are now taking control of what you can take control of, so much that you can’t but there are some things you can’t.

So when you are feeling really low, when you are feeling like up against it. You can’t see a way out, and you can’t see how you’re going to ever hold this baby in your arms, you’ve got to look for the beauty in the small things. Really it helps, write down what it is that makes you feel happy, whether it’s that the sunny day outside, whether it’s that you’ve got a special friend in your life, a special family member, whether it is a partner that is supportive, it might be something as simple as just sitting quietly in a lovely place in a coffee shop.

But write down, you might prefer to write them down at the end of the day, rather than the start of the day, whatever works for you. You can say today I was grateful for, and if there are some uncomfortable emotions that came through for you today write those down too, was it jealousy, was it bitterness, frustration, disappointment, anger, what was it? Write it down, get it out of your head, put it down on paper, so that it can just loosen its power over you.

Because when we internalise these things we really do just to keep our self stuck.

Just look for the beauty in the little things, it’s hard but it is possible and it will actually help you deal with whatever it is you are dealing in the moment.

Affirmations have been proven time and time again to be a powerful tool for change.

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